Telephone etiquette

I have a table right now that has been having a telephone conversation since they sat down in my section over ten minutes ago. They won't let me take their drink order or say anything for that matter. That is rude and I feel like standing next to their table and banging on some tin pans. But I won't because that would probably affect my tip.

Passive aggression is the only option in the restaurant industry. Thus they will get no spoons with their tea. Maybe you can stir it with your phone antenna! Boo ya!

Things I overheard at the bar

"I heard you can get pregnant from drinking the water in Texas."

Rules for restaurant propriety

Rule of Thumb: you can be really demanding and treat me like crap if you tip me well, ORyou can be really polite and low maintenance and tip me sub-par. Any other combination and I will undoubtedly be wishing the dinner you just ate gives you painful gas and the runs.

No Bartering.

No you cannot substitute your kid's soda for a side of fries. We aren't bartering for food here.

War and peace on the riverwalk

Scene: 4-year-old boy walking next to his father both have bikes their pushing at their sides.

"Peace means they're not at war."

"oh, peace means they're not at war."

Don't be greedy

If I generously offer to compensate your table for an ordinarily long wait for your food with free salads to munch on telling me you want a free beer instead is just greedy. Even if you do know what it's like to work in a bar, which is REALLY close to what I do, so I can see how you might get them confused. See, I don't actually pour the beers at the restaurant that's what a Bartender does, so you can bet your life that even though I winked and said, "I'll see what I can do," I'm not even going to ask my superiors if you can have one because I don't want them to look at me like I'm an idiot. How about you not be such a greedy fatass and eat a salad?

Friday night is go time

I really believe that everyone should work in a restaurant once in their life. It. will. change. you. But I know not everyone is willing to work in this infuriating, instantly gratifying and often hilarious industry–probably because most of you actually got the kind of job my mom keeps begging me to find. This is the first post of my attempt to share with you and more importantly amuse you with the stuff your server is really thinking as they smile politely to your face. More to follow shortly because it is officially the weekend and those are the most important nights of the week. Friday night is go time.